Unsure Pregnancy Tests

Brad and I have been really "trying" for a baby for two cycles now- I have a number of friends who are currently pregnant and they REALLY want for me to be pregnant with them. I would love nothing more than to be able to share as many moments as possible with them through my own personal experiences. With the wishes to be pregnant also comes an enormous amount of pressure to "produce" a pregnancy. The pressure is definitely beginning to get to me. I have been so preoccupied with the thought of having a positive pregnancy test that I haven't actually thought about being pregnant. I am over analyzing everything to every little twinge in my "uterine area" to if whether or not my breasts are sore or if my sense of smell has changed. I just wish I could know for sure so I can work toward the next cycle or actually let things set in about being pregnant.

I have taken so many pregnancy tests that Brad is getting upset for "wasting" money. If only he understood. Sometimes I take more than one a day. I'm also taking my tempurature every day- sometimes twice a day to make sure it isn't dropping. Talk about obsessing right? I know it takes a while to get pregnant for some couples and I am terrified that we are going to be that couple.

With the pressure that my friends and I are putting on me, pressure also comes from my mom and inlaws and other family members. They keep asking when we are gonna have a kid and I always tell them, "when the time comes, it comes..." As if I wasn't thinking about it for practically every minute of every day. I want to go to bed early so I can wake up to take my temperature or take another pregnancy test. I know this is not normal. I can't help it. I am used to being successful at everything I do and I want this to be another thing.

To make things worse- or better, however you want to look at it, for the past three days, my generic little strip prenancy tests have had from a "barely there 'squinter' pink line where the positive line is supposed to be-while holding it at an angle in the light- to a darker but still light line that I am not sure how to interpret. My mind tells me that it is a positive test. I don't want to get my hopes up and think that I'm pregnant so I am not putting my heart into it. I would be crushed if it ended up being what I thought was a positive only to start my period later on that day or something.

I haven't even thought about the experience of the pregnancy itself- the nausea, the constipation, cravings and food aversions, the sore breasts, the exhaustion- on to the growing belly, finding out the sex, the kicking, the decorating of the nursery- let alone delivery, bringing home baby and teaching them everything I know while loving them more than anything else.... Thinking about that stuff ( minus the nausea etc.) just makes me feel more desperate and long to have those experiences. To make matters even worse, we haven't even tried for that long. Knowing that makes me feel guilty knowing that there are couples out there who have tried for YEARS with no baby. We have only technically had one unsuccessful cycle and I'm so worried about this one! I couldn't imagine working on dozens and dozens of cycles to no avail.

I know I just need to be patient and let nature take its course. God willing, we will have our little bundle of joy and he ( if this cycle turns out to be a pregnancy, I think the baby will be a boy) will have lots of playmates a few months older than he is. I need to stay positive and think the best.

If my test strip is darker tomorrow- I'm going to take the digital test and hope that it says "pregnant". If it does, Brad and I are going to tell our parents about the positive test, but not to be 100% sure it's a pregnancy until I go to the Dr. - just incase there is a miscarriage in the mix.

I wish I was psychic and I could tell myself what will happen in the next week. Waiting sucks.